MY SO-CALLED LOVE LIFE

"The only thing more powerful than hate is love"

Since this is my first post, I thought I would start with a extremely brief overview of my alleged romantic life.

I know there's NO such thing as closure, but that's never stopped me from trying to get some type of resolution.

Also, none of us knows how much time we have left on this earth, I sure don't. So, I'm NOT going to hold back how I feel. Since childhood I've had no problem expressing my true feelings.

CINDY

Cindy was a classmate and my first girlfriend.

I don't remember what grade we were in. It could have been 2nd grade, but I'm not certain.

I remember lending her my copy of CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG, and how she never returned it.

My favorite memory was of holding hands while I walked her home.

I think this may have happened during the same timeframe that my friend/classmate Andrew and other kids died in a cave-in. I think it was at a construction site at their neighborhood. None of the adults at our school would tell us why he wasn't in class. It was in the newspaper and that's how I found out. Fucking adults had failed me yet again, and that would continue even when I became an adult.

One morning my mother woke me up and asked who Cindy was. Apparently, I had been calling out her name while I was asleep. I had experienced one of my countless premonitions. That same day, I went to school, and she wasn't there. The teacher wouldn't tell me were she was. I never saw her again. I thought that something bad had happened to her, the same way something horrible had happened to Andrew.

Sometimes I wonder if I imagined all of this. I went online a few times, trying to look up news articles about the cave-in but I couldn't find anything. As for Cindy, I don't know if I imagined her too. It all happened so long ago, so I don't know what to think.

HEIDI

Heidi was one of my former co-workers and love interests.

I made her a couple of pieces of art. I'm only going to describe the first piece, because that's the one I was proud of.

It was a castle perched on top of giant rock in the middle of a lake.

Directly across from the castle was another rock connected by a rope bridge.

There was also a sea serpent swimming in the lake.

Heidi seemed to be frustrated that I was at ease and could communicate easily with my other co-workers, but not her. I couldn't seem to do anything correctly. I couldn't even verbalize a coherent sentence when I was around her.

I called her several times. The first time Heidi's father reached the phone before she did. I was not ready for what came my way. He treated me like public enemy number one. He never met me in person, and yet, he was convinced I was scum.

Even now, most people treat me as if I am a two legged disease.

One day she yelled at me, and that was the last time we spoke.

Not long after that she quit and walked out of the factory without even saying goodbye. You can imagine how I felt.

I don't know if she's alive, healthy and happy, but I hope she is.

I have NOT forgotten about her.

SANTA MONICA TWINS

Ok, they were NOT twins but they were friends and on occasion more than that.

I knew they weren't using their real names. How did I know? Because they told me.

In case you're wondering, yes, the three of us were "romantic" for lack of a better term.

I'm not going to lie and say I didn't feel affection for them, but it never amounted to much. It was transitory. It was also mostly physical. Back then I was heavily into weightlifting, hiking, and bike riding. I had muscles everywhere.

When the physical relationship ended, it was not a loss for me. It felt like using a tissue to blow your nose. When your done, you throw it away and that's the end of the story.

However, I still think about them from time to time, and wonder if they're ok.

BONNY SWAN

For privacy reasons and out of respect, I'm going to refer to this woman as Bonny Swan.

Let me start by stating that Bonny Swan is NOT a typical person. She is a rare type of individual.

She is highly intelligent, focused, and compassionate. If you think I am putting her on a pedestal, I am NOT! These are facts. When I was a kid, I learned the hard way that everybody's shit stinks.

She helped heal my body and mind in a way no one else has. Even her voice, smile, sense of humor and laughter had a healing affect on me. She fixed my jaded heart, just by being herself.

What I am feeling is NOT limerence. I'm not delusional and can tell the difference between reality and fiction. I truly believe that being a pessimist for most of my life has always kept me grounded in reality. From what I've seen, far too many optimists usually end-up living in denial.

I'm NOT in love, but the affection I feel is much deeper than a crush.

She will never know how much I respect and admire her.

I had a feeling she was going to leave and I was correct. The next time I saw Bonny Swan, she told me she was leaving.

The last time I saw her, she walked down the hallway, turned around and smiled. Her smile was mesmerizing and my heart was pounding like a jackhammer. For a few seconds, I actually thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. That's when I realized I had developed feelings for her.

Approximately one month after Bonny Swan left, I was on one of my daily walks - Bonny Swan's idea - and I crossed paths with a couple of acquaintances; a man and his girlfriend. They asked me why I looked sad. After I told them, they called me creepy. I said nothing, I turned around and continued walking home. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Soon after, I felt enraged. Who the fuck do they think they are?! I'm creepy?! I'm ninety-eight percent sure those scumbags voted for the orange-pedo-fascist-afterbirth that lives in the White house! They have NO right to lecture anyone on morals!

Let me state the obvious, you do NOT develop feelings for someone on purpose!

Every so often these questions will pop into my mind. So, I need to get them out of my system.

Is she ok?

Did she figure out that I was enamoured of her?

Does she fear me?

Does she hate me?

Did I cease to exist for her?

Am I arrogant for wanting to occupy a tiny bit of space in her mind?

One way affection equals misery. It's been months since I last saw her. Bonny Swan is still an open wound that hurts and I am still heartbroken.

I do NOT want to forget her.

Valentine's Day 2026 will be brutal for me.